Steppin' out

A bachur steps out in New York

I have yet to hear the details.

I was Gmail chatting with my brother online today when he had to interrupt to go do something.

"Stepping out..." he said.

I asked, "“to where?"” but he was already gone. I resumed my work at the desk, typing up flyers, calling people...

My brother returned a half hour later to answer me.

"Well, turns out...I was stepping out...to make a Bar Mitzvah. First time Teffilin for a guy I just met in the store."

So this is what happens when the Rebbe's soldiers step away from their computers.

Just like that.

A Jew steps out.

A Bar Mitzva takes place.

A Jew steps out.

A man is reconnected.

A Jew steps out.

And our nation is a little more whole.

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Imagine if we all just stepped out a little more.

The Rebbe'’s lasting vision lives through us almost effortlessly sometimes.

It was just one small step for a Bachur, one giant leap for mankind.

His Smile. And I'm back.

(Due to many inquiries, and some good inspiration, I'm back to blogland)

This is not how it was supposed to be, the girl told herself.

The images, energy...it all led up to...to this?

Her idealistic self came crashing against her reality

And for a while, she couldn't find herself

Her drive to be on fire set off alarms

Why can't I love everything I'm doing?

Why am I looking for more?

Was I real about being G-d's messenger?


But deep down the girl knows what all descents are for...


The girl went to visit the Ohel, the Rebbe's resting place

Where the Rebbe is anything but resting

On the video, the Rebbe spoke to the girl

He said, "Sometimes, it may happen, specifically when you're on G-ds
mission, you have hardships..."

He looked directly at the girl.

With deep urgency in his voice, he concluded that "the only proper
response is to do what you're doing and do it with three times more
the amount, with three times more energy!"

The rebbe reminded the girl that, "Oh, yes...this is G-d's mission."


So the girl is discovering a newfound inner strength

She's finding the happiness and energy that exists no matter what you're doing

That everyday is a gift
That G-d is everywhere

That there are sparks to lift

And there's not time to waste

She's starting to grasp the reality that you make the mission

You define your reality

You make the choice

But most of all

She's discovering tha sometimes the mission has more to do with

What you're needed for

And not what you need

So, with all this, she's coming to terms with a fear

That her deep down burning

Her true inner mission

Cannot

And will not

Wait


So she's starting to run again

She's starting to write again

She's starting to feel G-d's hug

Avinu Malkenu

He is our father

And second, he is our king

But, he is our father first


The girl found that, no matter where your soul lies...

No matter how down, vulnerable, and empty...

If you still look for Him...

He responds with the greatest smile

This year's Tashlich site (e-mail me for more Tishrei pictures).

Conversation #3: The face in the mirror

Yochanan is a man who takes a rolley suitcase of books to learn from everywhere he travels.

After the class tonight, we both find ourselves in conversation by the refreshments table.

He overheard me mentioning to someone else something about learning in a non-Chabad school.

Turns out, he has a story that makes him intrigued in my experience.

So, after he asks, I share it with him.

And he shares his story with mine - a story filled with Boropark, witchcraft, and ultimately the growing of a beard.

He's been through a lot of searching.

I ask: So, after all that, how would you define yourself today?

He lets out a soft sigh and gives a strong stare at the ground.

He says: You know, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't know who is looking back, how he defines himself. But, I do know what it means to do good things, so I try to do them, and, uh...that's where I am."

His answer was so simple and so real.

Where he is...

...maybe it's where we all should be.

I immediately felt like my question about definition was ugly at the core.

For one buzzing young girl, looking in the mirror will be different tomorrow.

Cookies and Nails

[The big picture is when every detail IS the big picture]

The right wood for the art project: $12.00

Short but strong nails: $5.00

Hinges for the a-frame: $6.50

4 huge posts for the pre-school playground: $60.00

Driving everyone at Home Depot crazy: Priceless

There are some things money can't buy.

For everything else, there's a blank check from the Rabbi.

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What happens when an inspired and ideological girl on Shlichus finds herself with a headache debating hardware and lifting heavy things in Home Depot?

Well, she thinks about taking some Advil, never gets any, and tries to go to bed early.

But, she also makes a discovery.

Through her headache and muscle soreness, she finds out that her mission is inescapable.

She finds out that wherever she is, there is her mission.

It means that there is unity.

Literally everything is adding up to the bigger picture.

There is no "off-time."

There is no "this is my Shlichus and this isn't."

None of that nonsense.

Everything is here to serve the mission. It's not just some broad and nice-sounding statement.

It's so real.

Everything I've been doing, I've been making a chain in my mind - seeing how small purchases and decisions add up to the bigger picture. I think to myself, "these cookies will sit on a side table in a class tonight, and will make people feel like we care, keep them fed and comfortable, and they'll want to come back." or "Maybe we had to buy the cookies so that we can run into Barbara and give her a flyer to the grand opening coming up."

These thought processes are fun and rewarding at times. But the truth is, I can't continue to keep making these chains in my mind.

The power of the mission is that I don't need to. In truth, the only thing that rings with unity and power is to see everything - every purchase, every step! - as the mission. Its not just the cookies. It's also all the steps that you walk to the cookie aisle.

And if you forget that those steps are part of the mission, you're forgetting the mission.

It's one mission, and you're on it - all the time.

Wherever you are, there is the mission.

Whoever you're speaking to, there is the mission.

Whatever you hold in your hands, no matter how big or small, there is the mission.

Whatever you see and hear, there is the mission.

It does not need to be found or inspired - it's always there.

Shlichus comes from the word "messenger" or "sent."

So, I've been sent.

No slacking.

Everything is part of it.

You can't exclude one second, one small decision, or one purchase from that which you were sent for.

And the details bring it all to life.

They keep that fire inside burning.

It's very energizing to know that uniting our fellow Jews and making a path for the final redemption really does come down to considering the size of a nail.

Me and the Crickets

The crickets outside are alive, screaming - bubbling with excitement.

It's as if they know how I feel.

My brothers words ring in my ears.

My plane was about to take off from Seattle.

He said, "It all starts now Mim. Every step you take, every breathe...It's all part of your Shlichus."

When my plane landed, all I could do was smile.

My touchdown was really a takeoff.

And I just had to smile at that.

This morning, I went jogging around my new neighborhood.

My brother was right.

Indeed, no step is the same.

This is all really amazing.

And I feel like the crickets here in Narberth Pennsylvania agree.

The pile on my bed - and Marriage.

In just four days, I'm on my way to start my official Shlichus journey in Philadelphia.

So I've been cleaning the room. Like, reeeeeeaaally cleaning.

I attached the book shelf first, then the desk, the drawers, the closet...

Every area in my room opens another door to the past. Old poetry, pictures, school assignments, CDs, letters, scrapbooks...The list goes on of things I have to make the daunting decision: Does it go to the garbage, or do I save it?

I was just looking at the huge pile that has amassed on my bed.

* sigh *

After playing some good music and dancing through all of my belongings, I'm feeling reflective.

I have spent time cleaning my room in between all traveling and transition periods.

But, this time around, something is different.

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I noticed it first when I was looking through my photo-diary, a collection of my photography I put together during highschool. Of course, I have to save it. I knew that. But before I knew it, images were popping through my mind of putting it on a cofee table, and having guests look through it.

For the first time, my choice of "to save or not to save" was all about my future home.

And it wasn't just about the home. The husband and kids were also in the scene.

It happened with everything I touched.

With pictures, I was thinking, "Ha, my kids would love to see this one. And, hmm, what will my husband think about this one? Does he have to know that I once had pimples?"

Going through the books, it was "I've read this a million times, but now my husband just haaaaaaas to read this, so, let's keep it. And people would probably love to borrow this one."

When I got to my CDs, I ended up throwing out tons of strange mixes friends made through out high school, but this collection of niggunim, my kids must have.

While I was organizing my stationary (I have a habit of collecting tons of cards, fancy paper, etc), I convinced myself to hold onto all of it by reserving it for "thank you" cards for my engagement, shower, and wedding.

Candles, that weird little figurine, the vase - it all has a place in my not-yet-purchased home with my not-yet-born children with my not-yet-found husband.

So after going through everything I sat on my bed (that one little spot not covered with stuff) and looked around. The images still dancing in my mind, I smiled inside. I'm so excited to decorate a home. I'm excited to have lots of guests. I'm excited to have kids. I'm so excited to share all this with someone.

Just then, my sister walked in my room, went straight to the pile of throw-away clothing and asked, "Why are you throwing out this hat? It's soooo cute!" My first reaction was, "I'm going to be wearing Sheitels, not hats..." And she then picked up this poncho-like thing that somehow entered my winter wardrobe. I said, "Yea, when I'm pregnant, that might be cool."

My sister gave me such a funny look. I think she's getting what's going on. :)

Manis Friedman says that it's time to get married when it's all you think about.

I'm wondering if all this is what he means.

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So, stuff is in boxes downstairs, my pictures have been taken down, and there is (almost) no trace of the fact that this was ever Mimi's room. It's officially going to be a guest room. I'm thinking, "How weird would that be to visit home with my husband and kids and stay in my old room?"

My mother came to take my now empty bookshelf downstairs. As we were shlepping it, she mumbled to herself, "We'll put the kidsbooks here... for the grandchildren."

Apparently, it's not just me.

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So, now I have a pile of stuff on my bed that have no particular place to go.

Odds and ends, just hanging in mid-air, waiting for a decision to be made.

But me?

Well, it's all too clear where I'm holding.