Right now, I'm chocking on my experiences of the past three days, trying hard to digest all the subtle chaos and total insanity that has taken place.
Sometimes I want to snap my fingers and be some close-minded Jew who doesn't give a darn about the world, and all I'd have to do is take care of myself...it would be so simple. It would also have been nice to continue growing up as Mimi from a Chabad family who went to NYHS and to Israel for the year, and...ladidada.
But, no. I had to discover this life-energy that flows through everything, and I just had to gain a conscious that led to a passion that screams clarity and truth and realness. And now, there's no turning back. I've been swallowed, and the truth really does hurt sometimes.
I'm trying to stop all the images in my mind of rushing black hats and cold stares that painted my weekend in Jerusalem. I will feel forever guilty for having such a numb response to our holy city. But alas, it's holiness that goes wrong the most, that turns the most astray. And the turth is, I'm not numb - I'm actually burning inside...trying to figure out what to do with all this.
I have images of my brother Saadya embracing these black hat yeshiva boys, finding that point of similarity between his seemingly different fellow Jews, constantly flooding Israel's streets with light. Apparently, I'm just not there yet. In many ways, I tried. But, in the end, I was completely phased, totally tired, and craving my return to Tzfas. I love Israel. I love my people. However, walking around Jerusalem, it felt more like an ideal than a internal and active reality.
Jerusalem left me feeling a little down about the state of my people. Although I feel powerless at the moment, I'm going to do something about it. Jerusalem made me feel lucky, proud, and tremendously thankful.It also left me feeling alone, skeptical, and aware of the many things I have to work on.
This is an intro to some experiences from the weekend that I will be writing about. This is me waking up the the fact that Tzfas is really an awesome bubble. I'm going to try soaking it up as much as I can.
This is me recomitting myself to becoming a lamplighter. Clearly, I have much work to do.