Tuesday, April 04, 2006

This is it, baby!



Shlichus offers for next year are getting real.

And with it, my inner battleground.

I don't get the trend.

If something in my life seems true, is real, is meant to be - I fear it.

I'm turning 20 in 19 days, and my life is heading in exactly the
direction of my wildest dreams.

I'm bursting with positive energy.

And yet, I am nervous.

The fear and the yearning are stirring in one place, sharing a room in
my stomach, making it turn and burn.

My mission in this world is getting more and more clear with each
passing day. I am a small floating Jew being told to introduce
something into this world that is unique.

It's so huge.

I want to just stop this train. Let me off. I'm scared!

But everything I've been waiting for lies at the destination.

I'm crying. For ease. For strength. For self confidence. For wings.

I want to hate fear. As much as it's been the most faithful partner in
this whole journey, a partner I have learned to embrace, sometimes I
just don't want it to feel so welcome. Sometimes I just want to put a
gun to its head and say, "Don't even think about making the slightest
move. I know what I want now. You can't, you WON'T, get in my way."

But I know by now that if I pulled the trigger... I'd wake up from
this dream. I'd...I'd...go back in time - undo everything. Without
fear, this would all be a...a cartoon or something.

Why?

Because, looking back, the fear was the key. It's what made things
real. It's what told me, "This is it, baby." You're scared? Right on.
Proceed. Enter here. DO this.

I remember sitting in the Madrid airport on my way to Israel. My fear
was almost as tangible as the thick layers of cigarette smoke and
chatter taking over the benches around me. One more ride, and I'd be
in Israel. When I finally landed, was actually here, I wasn't even
thinking about fear. Everything inside was quiet and clear. Except
for one thing. This little person inside me that finally rose, and was
ready for the world. She incorporated the fear, put on her wings, and
flew with an unexpected strength.

This girl realized what her real fear was. It was a fear that went
beyond a mere choice. It was the fear of not fulfilling her potential.
The fear of failing to carry out her mission.

It was the fear that finally made her move.

I'm ready to move.

The fear? Its got my back.

This is it, baby. This is it.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

WOW! I can't relate more entirely.

Dov said...

Rock on sista.

Being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Key.

I got your back, too. :)

This is it, baby!

--D

nahama said...

Where to??????????????

Please consult before spreading your wings and flyin off...without me :P

"Without fear, this would all be a...a cartoon or something." - N,Mimi. "On Existential Fear". 2006.

Speaking of cartoons...

Be in touch. Regards from the C girl.

FrumGirl said...

I totally agree! Embrace that fear! It is the same emotion as excitement, just in the negative...! This is great! Your passion is catching, I feel so great reading this post! Thanks!

YOUR GIRL said...

Mim,

We spoke about just this the other day on the phone. About me going away to school, and you could not have summed it up more entirely and more realisticly.

I needed it to be said that way. To embrace the fear is a fear that I must learn to combat.

Thank you for always keeping it real.

This truly is it.

P.S I especially love the "girl" usages in the text.