Thursday, February 01, 2007

Dating?

The question makes me feel awkward right away.

I hear it.

I pause.

I smile uneasily.

I stumble on my words.

I basically look totally confused.

My answer completely dodges the inquirer's real question.

I always just end up saying, “Yea, I want to get married.”

I just can’t give a yes to the dating inquiry.

Listen.

The last thing I want to do is date.

Ever.

----------

When someone hears I’m 20, their response is immediate.

“So, are you dating?”

Just hearing the word “dating” sends me into complete bewilderment.

I am completely baffled, actually.

Dating?

Did someone just ask me if I am dating?

Is dating something people actually do?

It’s like they know about this trendy thing that all the Jewish youth are getting into.

But, really…

Since when do Jews date?

Who invented such a thing?

I guarantee you, it wasn’t a Jew.

Why?

Because Jews don’t care about dating.

We care about finding our soul mates.

Dating just doesn’t exist in our world.

Whenever someone gets engaged, you always hear those people who say, “Wow, I had no idea that s/he was dating.”

Well, this is exactly why.

It’s because they weren’t dating.

And because they weren’t dating, they got engaged.

People who date don’t get married. They get to tour some nice hotel lobbies and drink water from fancy bottles. They sharpen their dining etiquette. They may even get to cruise in a nice rental car.

People who date meet people. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy.

But I’m not interested in meeting a boy.

You have come up to me and said, “Mimi, there’s a great guy I want you to go out with.”

But, come on.

You know I don’t “go out” with guys.

Instead of offering someone you want me to date, why don’t you offer someone you want me to marry?

Just say, “Mimi, I have someone you may want to marry.”

Nothings wrong with that.

That’s how Jews talk.

-----

Last night, someone said to me, “You’re 20?”

“Prime age. You should find your husband very soon.”

Now you’re talking.

Yes, I am looking for my husband.

Not a guy.

Not a boy.

And most definitely not a date.

34 comments:

chang said...

hey mini,
wanna go out tonight?
:)
i know a nice place in middle of nowhere.

Anonymous said...

good on you!
so many ppl. go out just to "date" without any regard or thought of marriage. Their probably not even ready,it was merely a forced arrangement by their peeps.

Mimi said...

Chang, I am sensing some Hilltop rebellion.

:)

Darling, I will always date you. Before I get married, and after. How's Chof Beis Shvat time?

Anonymous, you're definitely from Australia. Only they say "Good on you" - and I've picked it up from my Aussie friends. Am I right?

Anonymous said...

SOOOOOO TRUE

Anonymous said...

SOOOOOO TRUE

Anonymous said...

SOOOOOO TRUE

Anonymous said...

SOOOOOO TRUE

Anonymous said...

nay,sorry, I aint from aussie!
i too picked it up from AUssie pals..
(its funny i never actually SAY it thou..somehow now it worked via typing..)

Nemo said...

If I may say so, this is senseless word play on your part. Dating means- as long as it's through the Shidduch system- that you're looking for a spouse. Saying "dating" is just a casual reference to the process. The connotations that you've applied to it are unjust.


... although I get what you mean about the attitude.

Anonymous said...

Nemo,
If I may say so, this was a senseless comment on your part.

When the author of this web log analyzes a commonly used word, her point is not the word in question, but the attitude it conveys.

I know many people who -though they do all their dating through the shidduch system- do not have the right attitude (through no fault of their own) and unfortunately suffer as a result.

An unfortunate byproduct of our sense of propriety is that some of us may get most of our perceptions on dating and relationships from the outside world. And using the same terminology can make us think of them in the same (or similar) ways when in fact they're worlds apart.

Hence, the excellent point made in the last post.

Anonymous said...

anonymous,
if i may say so, that was a senseless retort on your part.

when the author of this weblog misconstrues a commonly used word for the sake of indignance, i most certainly expect nemo to take a stand.

Anonymous said...

Did that sound indignant to you? I thought insightful. And as I said, I don't think her point
was that the word is bad...

Do you know the famous story about the Rambam and the cats? And after hearing the story someone asks "Well....did the cat catch the mouse?...

Nemo said...

I agree with the point, it's certainly very important to realize that you're not just going out for some fun time with the opposite gender; a recreation that the Frum boy or girl is not often privileged to have. But getting all excited that someone called it dating is like worrying that I call Davening 'praying' or learning 'reading.' It's just English boys and girls!

Mimi said...

Here's a little secret, people:

Mimi actually uses the word dating.

Don't worry.

Ahem, if you all get the point, then why are YOU harping over one silly word? :)

Jenny said...

Very cute Mimi! i think were all in the same boat....please publish a book!

A friend (and fan) said...

Okay, I love it that A) everyone is fighting over that one word, and commenting over senseless comments, and word play and B) that mimi has fallen prey to find out who that anonymous is! BUt Mimi, I really relate to this post. (That is, the message it conveys.)

ur first date ever..and the one you are too shy and in love with 2 keep up an acitve relationship w/ said...

mimi get married

Someone who cares for chang said...

i'm warning u to lay off my date. and FAST.
ur sensa humor (and i admit, its somethin to write home about) will not save u in this case.

Mimi said...

Laughing out loud :)

Anonymous said...

Nemo,
That wasn't the point. But I will try to let it go.
Mainly I wanted to write another comment. It is fun.

Anonymous said...

Mimi, i giv eyou my Blessings to find your soul mate, no matter how it is, if it's through "dating" or a "shidduch" or someone approaching you and asking you if you wanna marry him, you know i'm here and support you,
please G-D soon,

a guy that asked you once

Raizel said...

Oh boy Mim, things are getting pretty heated around here...they are all fighting for you my darling friend. ;-)

Thats right Mim, none of this dating nonsense, it's all formalities anyway, because it is a means to an end not an end in of itself. Might as well get right down to the point since that is the goal.

I went to hear Rebbetzin Jungreis speak tonight at Hineni and the woman that was sitting at the entrance welcoming people called me over and said I looked so familiar and what is my name (I think it was a ploy) because the next thing out of her mouth was, "Raizel, this is so and so (a man that was standing near her) I just like people to know one another and by the way, I am a matchmaker."

It was classic, I was cracking up inside the whole time! This lady does NOT waste any time. She knows what her agenda is, MARRAIGE, not DATING.

(Mind you after the shiur she said, "Hmmm, so what do you think about so and so, maybe he is too old for you..." To which I replied, "ummm YA!! I am 21! I know I am fooling people with my straight hair, but seriously the guy was in his 30's...) oh boy...I got a good laugh Mim...good intentions...=)

It really was priceless...it was ssttttraaaaaiiight out of a movie.

Either way, Marraige it is.

kalleh moid said...

ye mimi, thanks. i'm not dating either.
i love your sensitivity - it's not common enough.

yael nehama ortiz said...

What an incredibly beautiful post! This needs to be handed out in every high school and seminary in pamphet form! Absolutely gorgous!

Racheli said...

Mimi That was amazing RIGHT ON!!!!

Anonymous said...

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pia said...

mimi............
i love u!
these are some of the best things ive ever read. it really shiows how amaizing a piece is when people are able to converse over the topic like your fans do!
see u soon!

pia said...

mimi............
i love u!
these are some of the best things ive ever read. it really shiows how amaizing a piece is when people are able to converse over the topic like your fans do!
see u soon!

Anonymous said...

Which ever way you want to call it, dating sucks and all of this hype about the Jewish way of dating sucks too.

Mimi said...

Anonymous, I agree about all the "hype."

But, if you think that the "Jewish way of dating sucks" on top of dating in general, what are your suggestions?

(This conversation doesn't really pertain to this particular post, which is meant to represent the frustration in being labeled "dating" - but please, do share.)

Someone else said...

Mimi-
I've been checking your blog religiously. I love the way you just speak out the mind of so many people. You touch topics we all go through and just put our feelings into words- NO curtains; NO cover-ups. Just SIMPLE TRUTH!! Thanks! Keep writing. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hmm... a new reform for dating... How about we all act naturally when we date, and do not dress up as if we are going to the opera. How about we be up front with our dates and not pretend all is fine, and then present the shadchan with all of the " he said..." and " she said..." I think we also need to date for longer and really get to know the person, give them a chance and not second guess who they are and what they mean when they say... I guess I am just frustrated with dating, with the scene etc. and seeing the topic on your blog just brought it all out in me.

Nechama said...

Muchas Likas!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mima,

May you find complete happiness very soon! A special girl deserves a special person...