Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Rebbe, just know

Tonight, I went to a farbrengen.

While it was in your honor, I didn't feel you there.

The teacher spoke animatedly. He spoke about memories. He spoke about what you stand for.

He spoke about your "soft but like a laser" eyes.

He talked and talked and talked, but didn't say a lot.

Every word sounded like a robotic heard-before line, much in need of some fresh heart and soul to flow beneath.

I sat still in my seat, with an even more still heart.

I yawned.

I rolled my eyes.

But underneath, I ached for something within to stir.

On your birthday, I'm trying to connect with your purpose, and hence the purpose you imbued in us all.

While I may not have been moved tonight, I was conscious of it because of you.

You have placed within me a deep desire to grow and climb and constantly burst through.

You're the one that told me that when I hear truth it should enter deep within.

You're the one that told me that I should be like a flame.

You're the one that told me that the soul of a Jew is meant to be in constant motion.

And yet, while I showed up to find a renewed declaration of everything you once told me, I could not have been more placid.

So this year, I'm not sure what my wrapped gift will behold inside.

Just know, Rebbe, just know.

While I may not always look like your soldier...

While I may sometimes take my time...

While I am often hard to inspire...

Because of you, I am constantly trying to come home.

Because of you, I know that I must stir.


9 comments:

ML said...

Sometimes not being inspired is the biggest inspiration.

Itzhak Schier said...

Sometimes, 10 Shvat, or 11 Nissan, or any other day on the "Chabad calendar" seem like just dates when we farbreng, like lehavdil Memorial Day when Americans are supposed to be remembering those who fought for freedom but of course everyone is out shopping. How many times do we just go to a farbrengen because our friends are there, or because we like the speaker (who we then ignore because we're sitting with our friends and talking about everything except the Rebbe)?

But then, all of a sudden, on some ordinary day that has no apparent connection to anything, we call upon the Rebbe by doing what he asked us to do, or by going to the Ohel etc etc (or the Rebbe sends a message to us via a shaliach, official or unofficial, whom we just happen to meet), and far more than on 11 Nissan or 10 Shvat or 3 Tammuz which are "official" days, we realize that even though he is not physically here, he has not left us.

Itzhak Schier said...

And of course great job as always, especially the last few lines that sum up the doubts and insufficiencies we all feel in ourselves from time to time as we try our best to "do everything we can" in these dark last days of Golus.

Chana said...

Mimi, my sentiments exactly. I also was not inspired by the one who was supposed to come to inspire us. When he said that he didn't mean to depress us, it almost built up something inside of me, some sort of stubbornness. You think that just because I never met the Rebbe, I don't have a connection? You feel sorry for me? Though I may have missed a lot, I think that the fact that I'm a chossid today, without having ever met the Rebbe is testament enough to my connection. So, as "ml" said, maybe hearing the speaker DID accomplish something, if it caused us to want to get even closer. My hachlata is to try to watch more Rebbe videos online, try to watch the Living Torah on chabad.org each week. It's there, it's so easy. I think that seeing the Rebbe is so important for our connection, especially if we don't already have those memories.

Rochelle said...

Wow, Mimi!
You described it all so well!

Anonymous said...

but we cannot become complacent and leave it at that. we must demand more of ourselves and try harder to bring that inner yearning that the Rebbe placed in us to fulfillment.

Anonymous said...

were u off the derech or s/t

c.a. said...

well said mini
love
chang

:)

joshua said...

Wow this is really nice - honest and inspiring