Rebbe, just know

Tonight, I went to a farbrengen.

While it was in your honor, I didn't feel you there.

The teacher spoke animatedly. He spoke about memories. He spoke about what you stand for.

He spoke about your "soft but like a laser" eyes.

He talked and talked and talked, but didn't say a lot.

Every word sounded like a robotic heard-before line, much in need of some fresh heart and soul to flow beneath.

I sat still in my seat, with an even more still heart.

I yawned.

I rolled my eyes.

But underneath, I ached for something within to stir.

On your birthday, I'm trying to connect with your purpose, and hence the purpose you imbued in us all.

While I may not have been moved tonight, I was conscious of it because of you.

You have placed within me a deep desire to grow and climb and constantly burst through.

You're the one that told me that when I hear truth it should enter deep within.

You're the one that told me that I should be like a flame.

You're the one that told me that the soul of a Jew is meant to be in constant motion.

And yet, while I showed up to find a renewed declaration of everything you once told me, I could not have been more placid.

So this year, I'm not sure what my wrapped gift will behold inside.

Just know, Rebbe, just know.

While I may not always look like your soldier...

While I may sometimes take my time...

While I am often hard to inspire...

Because of you, I am constantly trying to come home.

Because of you, I know that I must stir.