Mixed Feelings and Clarity

November 28th 2005

So I’m leaving for Israel soon.
How soon? Finally booking a ticket will tell, but it’s for sure within the next coupls of weeks, and I am so ready.

I am ready for cobblestone.
I am ready for tense deeply-felt politics.
I am ready for the Friday rush.
I am ready to be cheated of my money.
I am ready for the Chanukah buzz.
I am ready for no strangers.
I am ready for near misses in a taxi.
I am ready for peoples’ stories.
I am ready for water filters.
I am ready for true hospitality.
I am ready for the bus to come.
I am ready for my brothers and sisters.
I am ready to go home.
I am ready for Israel.

I thought this could all end here. I am ready. I am ready. I am ready. But, reading that over, I am realizing it all came out so strong and sure, when really I am harboring such nervous, edgy – even fearful - feelings. I’m thinking.

I am thinking about riding taxi’s alone.
I am thinking about making Shabbos plans.
I am thinking about money.
I am thinking about calling cards.
I am thinking about the highs and lows of inspiration.
I am thinking about a thin mattress.
I am thinking about getting sick.
I am thinking about expectations.
I am thinking about rules.
I am even thinking about laundry.

Why am I thinking of these petty things? This is ridiculous.
I know that I have no memories of being in Israel and being afraid.
I know that I have goals. Goals unlike any I’ve ever had, that I am thrilled and anxious to pursue. I know I love the streets, the mountains, and the people where I will live.
I don’t care about a thin mattress, and I for sure know how to take care of my laundry.

Why am I so scared? I mean, come on. I’ve done this Israel thing before!

Oh man, okay… that’s it right there. I know what’s scaring me.

I’ve done “this Israel thing” before, yes. But this time around, I don’t want it to be “this Israel thing”. I want it to be different. Much different.

And it’s all in my hands.

Right now, where I stand in life, I have one thing to chase. And you know what? I’m certain I can befriend those fears that will accompany me on the ride.

And that’s what I have to keep telling myself.

So, yes - I am ready.

Let’s get me out of here.

I want to go home.