Monday, October 29, 2007

Here I am

I have no excuses.

And I don’t even know what I am doing back here.

It’s really just like what Rabbi Friedman says about praying:

“The most challenging thing about praying is to be honest. To let G-d see you as you are. To bare your soul. If you can do this once a day, you’re a very real person. Stop defending yourself. Stop protecting yourself. Just show up.”

Just check in. Present yourself. With all your fears. With all your faults. Maybe even with all your blood and brains spilling onto the floor.

So here I am. Just showing up. In all my lack of composure and sophistication. With nothing but my moving fingers and a desire to just be here.

Sometimes you know where you have to be but you don’t know what to bring with you or the best route to take. And sometimes you just have to get up and start moving your feet. Or else you’ll just sit there forever, staring out the window.

I don’t want to stare out the window anymore.

So enough of this waiting for something “real” to say. Enough of this waiting for something to wow me so that I can wow you. Enough with the wows altogether, you know?

I just want to be honest.

Why can’t I just tell you that my mind is elsewhere?

Why can’t I tell you that I just went for a walk down Kingston and up and down Eastern Parkway and I felt like a foreigner?

Why can’t I tell you that I know where I want to be holding, and that I’m not there yet?

Why can’t I tell you that it takes a lot more to inspire me lately?

Why can’t I tell you that I want to try harder?

At a farbrengen last night, Rabbi Posner started crying. He recalled the days when he would bring students to the Rebbe, for them to experience firsthand the Rebbe’s love for every Jew. To experience themselves in the presence of what Rabbi Posner called “truth.”

“So what do you want from me?” he addressed the students.

“I try,” he said, “I try just to give you one drop of the Rebbe’s love. If only I could just take you to the Rebbe. "

He sobbed.

"But no, you’re stuck with me...and I’m sorry.”

Rabbi Posner is an honest man. He was saying, “Here I am. I am nothing. But here I am.”

It was probably his refreshing honesty that jolted me back here, to write to you.

Because, even when someone is uninspired, helpless, a little antagonistic, and wanting more...perhaps their honesty can cause at least a little stir.

And perhaps just sharing the tiny steps towards getting to where you need to be is all that matters anyway.


Ashirah said...

YES! thank G-d, you're back. and saying exactly what i need to hear.
i've been in a place where i was VERY inspired, and that place is not where i am now. i'm in that tiny steps place. that place where i struggle and fight and pull and tug at myself to do the littlest things.
but thats a place too.

YitzchakS said...

You are human. We are all human. That is what makes this blog so good - you're sharing the struggles of trying to do your best as a human being against the high standards you have set for yourself (and the high standards that the Rebbe and Chabad set for all of us), not talking down to us as if you are some sort of malach. Welcome back!

Chana said...

Thought I saw you in a pic from that farbrengen :)

Avital said...

thanks for your honesty.
i had a moment like that today. with a real chossid i know.
where i could be totally honest. walls down. facade disappeared. had a confronting realisation that the only way i will be truly happy, is when i am a true chossid.
time to learn...
love you sister.

Izzy said...

Welcome back from your "dark night of the soul."

We all go through it. Most come out of it. Glad to see you back.

temmi said...

:) yay.. i missed this. time to learn FOR REALZ, cuz guess what? i am not homeless anymore so we can learn

the sabra said...


sometimes i think that 'perfection' is the biggest yetzer hora.

wishing u(s) much luck on (o)ur journey to inhale in order to exhale!

lots of love (w/o trying to sound romantic, of course. eeeeeeeeek. hey u started!)

Yettel said...

i'm glad you're so real. That was definitely a moment there, that you tapped into, and it's refreshing to hear it again- we've just gotta give it what we can, no matter what.
Thanks for bringing it out.

Anonymous said...

yay--if you're still writing, I'm sitll reading

Cookie said...

go mimi, it's your birthday

(t.t.t.o. go mimi, it's your birthday)

welcome back sister